Dari Kumpulannya Terbuang

pernah merasakan ditusuk terang-terangan dari segala penjuru?

mungkin yang seperti ini akan dianggap masalah kecil oleh sebagian orang. biasa, pikir mereka. hanya masalah anak-anak labil yang tidak tahu bagaimana harus melepaskan kadar hormon dan tenaga yang membuat mereka seperti pengidap ADHD atau apa, jadi mereka lebih memilih menggunjingkan pihak lain yang inferior.

ya, inferior.

kami memang inferior. kecil, serupa atom, mungkin. lebih-lebih disepelekan. tujuh belas anak dari dua ratus sekian total siswa, tak sampai sepersepuluhnya. dan bila disinggung, kami --mayoritas-- memilih diam dan tidak merespon. berusaha mengebalkan diri ketika telinga rasanya telah merah di taraf maksimum ketika kalimat-kalimat itu datang lagi.

ah, pasti menyenangkan sekali rasanya menginjak semut-semut yang tidak bisa membela diri.

memangnya mereka menganggap kami ada? sepertinya tidak. maka, singkirkan semut-semut, jadikan mereka menginjak tanah lapang tanpa gangguan apapun.

kami ada pun lebih banyak dicela. bukankah lebih baik kalau kami hilang sekalian? menghilangkan sebagian saingan, kata mereka.

jadi, harus bagaimana?

kami 'kan memang binatang jalang yang terbuang. dibuang mungkin lebih tepat. keberadaan kami memang sudah kabur dari dulu di mata mereka, bisa dianggap mendekati nol. kosong, seperti bagaimana mereka menganggap kami tahu soal celaan-celaan yang terlontar dalam diam.

memang tidak semuanya, tapi mayoritas tetaplah mayoritas. tidak ada maksud menyamaratakan. yang tidak, anggaplah tidak.

galau akademis

melihat manusia-manusia berkaus putih -hampir- polos lengan panjang dan bawahan biru tua berlari di sekeliling --hanya sebagian kecil-- sekolah
mendengar salam-salam yang menyapa ramah di tengah napas yang memburu karena berlari naik-turun tiga tingkat, lelah
hal yang dikeluhkan sama, tapi beda
menggelitik lidah untuk bicara, mengenang sesuatu setahun yang lampau.

'rasanya kayak baru kemarin pra-GVT ya?'
'baru kemarin kena BL... sekarang ada yang di-BL, tapi bukan angkatan kita. aneh...'
'baru kemarin diajari himne SMA I, sekarang ganti ngajarin.'

rasanya baru kemarin masuk, oktober besok naik kelas --which is almost tidak terasa, for real.

september

ah, well. hello, september.
unexpectedly, it's you.
unexpectedly, we met again.
unexpectedly, time flashes like a blink of eye, too fast to be caught by my senses.

and also, unexpectedly, next month is october.

means what?

being a third-grader, some people said, means you have to study harder. to pray harder. to wish to God that it'll be our year next year, ours... when our wishes come true.

Me? What do I want?
To pass the exam?
To get into the university --and the faculty-- I want the most?

The first thing seemed like it's not a really big deal compared to the second one... and the sub-second one. IYKWIM.

get a scholarship - SNU - architecture. wish me luck!

shades

have you thought about... this?
when the eyes were wandering around a colorful page of website with one of your dreams hangs down the page, something suddenly cut the hanger of the dream off?
when you took a glance at something you like and something make the thing went out in a 'puff'?
people saying the risks of your dream are too big for a person like you it might simply kill you out --whether literally or not.

i want to take the risk, i want to get out of my comfort zone.
but seems like nobody wants to hear me out, so here i am --standing alone, clinging into the dream i want the most,
like i have nothing else to hold on to and

someone forces me to loosen those hangs, to loosen my grips
offering another bar to be gripped, hoping that i'll jump over there like those gymnastic athletes jump among the trapezes.

so what should i do?
nobody cares anyway.

pressures... yet again

the guidelines are too strong, but i just don't want to follow it anymore.
i was, but simply now i am not.
it's like they rule my life no matter what i think, no matter what i'd like to, no matter what my interest is in.
well, i know at least by following their guidelines i'll be able to make them proud. but still... i just don't want to. for real.
i'm sick of being taunted to walk on that path... just no, please don't.

anyway there's much people waiting in line for that faculty, fucking much people and i don't want to cause more trouble to those who really want to be there. unlike me.